I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
