Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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