I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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