Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
