I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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