I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.