Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
