Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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