TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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