I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
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Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
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There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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