The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
