Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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