You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
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