If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
