hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
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I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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