i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
