how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
