I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
God, I missed his penis.
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