I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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