I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
