so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
