Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
