so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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