Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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