there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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