new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
