somebody snuck up and got me drunk
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
