I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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