i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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