I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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