This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
