We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ate ashes out of my bong
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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