did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize