so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
