My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
