I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
