apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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