About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
