So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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