Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
are you so shy because you have an std?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
