Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
