"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
