my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
