it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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