Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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