my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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