Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
