Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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