filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
