WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
