she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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