Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
