U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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