i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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