Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
