I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
