I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
